Ayokong idepensa ang sarili ko sa pagkawala ko, aaminin ko na, I lost interest in blogging. Pero dahil namiss ko lang siya bigla, sige na, pagbibigyan ko na ang sarili ko.

Maraming nangyari after a year. Executive Vice President na naman ako. I lost a friend. Natapos ko ang script ng thesis ko. AT magtithesis na ako.

Mas naging close kami nila Max, Mayee, Jen, Bianx, Jan, Mico at Mike this sem. Bonded ang batch namin, sila Jono, sila Arch, sila Aiess. Kung sino sino pa. Bonded din ang Executive board. At masaya ako dahil dun. Hindi pa rin naman nawawala ang closeness ko with Jumar, Munik, Choba and other ABS peeps. Nandun pa rin naman kasi sila. Hahaha.

Ang lovelife? Kung dati ay may love, may life, pero walang lovelife, ngayon, walang love, may life, at walang lovelife. Masaya naman ako sa estado ng buhay ko kahit wala akong lovelife. I mean, hindi ko naman siya immediate need. Minsan, may pasulpot sulpot ng pagkaemo. Pero ang importante, okay ako ngayon.

Well, I really though Adrian’s death would cause me really big, and yes, it did for the first few months after it. I lost weight (for those months), got depressed most of the time, but after that, I realized, my other friends are there just beside me. We helped each other overcome the grief little by little. And yun, mas navalue ko ang mga friends ko.

Friendship blog nga ba ito? Inisip ko tuloy. Pero siguro yun yung major point kasi ng taon na hindi ako nagbablog. Nag-enjoy ako sa life kaya hindi ko kinailangan pang isulat dito. Dahil sa sobrang daming noteworthy moments, hindi ko na sinulat. And maganda naman siguro yun, diba? Diba?

For the past two weeks I’ve been into three thesis productions of my orgmates and it has been a great expereince helping these people in a way. See, being in a thesis shoot gives me experience, like I’m learning as I’m enjoying. Being in a production shoot is like a glimpse of what the industry is all about: creativity outpouring, intense money expenditure, and sleepless nights. Hahaha. Plus I’m getting the ins and outs of filmmaking, and it’s a way of getting ahead with some of my batchmates which, sadly, does not have the opportunity joining these kinds of experience. Hahaha. And I think these exposures would qualify for a slot in my resume.

I would try to narrate some of my experiences soon. It’s just that right now, my mind is into hating Kanye West. Hehe.

I’ll be updating this blog with some behind-the-scenes photographs soon (so that I could give this blog a little life). Hahaha.

I’ve been busy for the past days and blogging was among my least priorities, but maybe I should try to make time for this activity. Here I go again, promising myself to do this thing. Hahaha.

So, claps for me. I’m back.

Anyway I’m back. Not sure if it’s for good, I just missed typing things and telling stories. And this blog’s freakin stagnant for like two months, so I think it deserves a post in a way.

Okay for some stories, the UP Cineastes’ Studio is nearing its 25th anniversary and like we are really busy with some of the grand activities, and a week from now is the Cinamalaya Goes to UP which, for the record, is being organized by the org for the past 5 years. It’s really one freakin hell ride because I know the executive board is like killing themselves just to pull this thing off. Well, our heads will be stacked in the chopping board next week, so we are like doing our novenas and incantations for the gods to help us next week.

The Cineastes applicants are so cool! I enjoy every minute with them, I just hope they are enjoying their application process too! Of course, I have my favorites, but I wont be squealing it here, just for fairness’ sake. I think so far they are enthusiastic. I hope they maintain that positive aura.

Anyway, my friend Fred and I ate dinner at Chowking Philcoa just this night. Wala lang, we just seeked for comfort so, Lauriat is the key! Hahaha. The wholesome and peaceful dinner became a night of secrets and gossips for we talked about every scandals and every interesting things we could talk about! Like it’s an ultimate bonding experience for us both, since it’s the first time we talked about these things over dinner. I enjoyed it very much since we were not given a chance to bond when he was still an applicant of the org.

Anyway, everyone’s busy in preparation of the people’s protest for GMA’s SONA this coming Monday. As for my part, I made some statement pins for the people to wear. This week might be the busiest week for me since we’ll be doing some room to room and focus class discussions regarding this SONA and why the students must raise their concerns in the streets and forward their disgust to the system and for GMA’s haunting CHACHA. Marami pang issues like term extension, that 100% ownership of local lands by foreigners, forced disappearances, marami. So if you think this SONA should be GMA’s last and you’re against the selling of our lands to foreign entities, you’re against harrassment and extrajudicial killings, or you’re just plainly annoyed by GMA’s face, join the July 27 rally. Collective action will take us to victory.

So much for that. Have to do some academic stuff.

I’m like rooting for Danny Gokey since Day something. I really think he’s effortless, hindi nakakapagod pakinggan at panoorin. Sa circle of friends parang konti lang kami bet si Danny for finals pero I dont care. I really think mas naging exciting ang finals ng AI if Danny Gokey got the votes.

Sorry, pero I think sympathy votes ang nakuha ni Kris since siya ang underdog talaga. Though I love Heartless ano, pero kung ilalaban siya kay Adam medyo boring siyang panoorin.

I still believe Season 7 is the best AI season. Dahil sobra akong na-excite sa finals noon. Ngayon parang feeling ko alam ko na ang resulta, di tulad dati na nag-aalangan pa ako sa dalawang David.

Well, Adam Lambert pa rin naman yan palagay ko.

Assumptive kasi ako. Diyan naman kasi umugat lahat yan eh. Sa pagiging dakilang Assumptionista ko. (Grabe lang yung Assumptionista. Haha) Kung sa una-una pa lang hindi ako nag-assume ng mga bagay-bagay eh di sana hindi ako naguluhan ng bongga sa mga nakaraang mga nangyari. Hindi ako nag-expect. Sana hindi nawala ang concentration ko sa responsibilities. Sana ganoon pa rin ang lahat.

Well hindi naman ako nagsisisi sa assumptive factor na yon dahil it made way to a lot of things na  kukumpleto sa akin bilang tao, at thankful lang ako dun. Pero ang annoying na bagay lang, these things linger to you for a little long time, and you should suffer from it even though you dont deserve it. As in sino nga naman bang deserving na magdusa sa isang bagay na hindi naman kasalanan in the first place? Pero nangyayari talaga.

Depressed mode ako ng mga nakaraang panahon dahil sa bitterness na ito. Pero sabi nga nila, I should not let this eat me. There are lots of things in this world that can make me happy, and I should not dwell on the things that make me feel bad. In fairness, alam ninyo, napakaganda niya sa pandinig at napakadaling sabihin, pero anghirap niyang gawin.

Anghirap maging maligaya kung yung source of sorrow mo ay nandiyan lang. At mahirap maging maligaya if you’re actually incapable to let go of those awful things. But of course, what can I do? The least thing that I can do is to smile and let myself become happy kahit na hindi madali.

Sabi nga ni Monique, POSITIVISM (all caps) is the key.

Unit 4B, Anaheim Tower 4, California Garden Square, Libertad, Mandaluyong

Grabbed somewhere dahil hindi pa ako nakapagpicture taking.

At least now I know my real address, dahil for the past two sems nag-endure ako na tumira sa isang place na hindi ko talaga alam ang eksaktong address niya, at pahirapan ang instructions sa pagpunta dahil nga, ehem, hindi ko talaga alam ang eksaktong address niya. Basta sa UP Bliss yon sa tapat ng playground. Shempre hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin pag magpapadeliver ako ng food na sa tapat ng playground yung address ko ano.

Maraming mga bagay na nakapagpadesisyon sa akin para lumipat ng bahay kahit na masasabi kong hassle talaga ang layo nito sa UP. Okay na yon, sabi ko, para naman matuto akong maging responsable as a person.

Maganda yung place. May pool area at may gym sa baba so baka anytime magpa-member na ako doon at ng sa gayon ay mabibigyang daan na ang pangarap kong magpapayat. Hehehe. May ministop din sa baba, which is sagabal naman dahil anytime (AS IN ANYTIME) na magutom lang ako ay bababa lang ako to get some food.

Nagustuhan ko naman ang place. Maayos, malinis, malamig.

Pero weird talaga yung feeling ng bagong lipat. Weird kung weird.

Nag-enumerate nga ako sa multiply ko ng mga bagay na mamimiss ko sa BLISS kasi naman, marami naman talagang magaganda (o hindi magaganda) na nangyari sa place na iyon. Isang taon din akong namuhay ng mag-isa, as in literal na mag-isa dahil sarili ko lang ang kasama ko sa bahay. Kaya naman siguro tinatanong akong madalas ni Jeff kung anong ginagawa ko pag mag-isa lang ako sa bahay (shempre hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya hehehe). Mahirap talaga yung mag-isa lalo na nung mga unang buwan ko doon. Cellphone lang ang source of entertainment ko noon, pakikinig sa radyo, at panonood sa mga alitaptap na pumapasok sa madilim kong kwarto.

In fairness maraming mga pagkakaibigan ang mas yumabong pa sa BLISS. Naging madalas ang pagdalaw nila Nay Jumar, Monique at Jeff doon, at masasabi ko namang naging masaya ako ng mga panahon na iyon. Kaya nga siguro minsan minsan ay walang patumanggi na ang pagdating ni Jeff at Monique sa bahay dahil alam nilang masaya ako kapag dumadalaw sila sa bahay. At ako naman ay payag lang nang payag, para tuloy akong desperado na magkaroon ng kakwentuhan.

Masaya ang buhay ko sa BLISS, wala akong inaalalang mga bagay kundi ang sarili ko lang, kung anong oras ako kakain at matutulog ay kontrolado ko, pati na rin ang oras ng paggising at pag-uwi.

Si Lito lang naman ang inaalala ko doon, yung pusa kong kulay-orange, pati na rin ang bantay kong si Nika.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit minahal ko si Lito ganoong hindi maganda ang track record ko sa mga pusa noong bata ako. Sabi nila noon, kinukuha ko daw ang mighty bond ni Daddy sa steel cabinet noon at idinidikit ko raw ang mga paa ng mga pusa namin sa mesa. Ang-morbid. Pero si Lito, ewan ko, dahil siguro nangulila din ako sa kausap ay narealize kong dumating sa puntong kinakausap ko na si Lito noon habang binibigyan ko siya g tira kong hapunan. Minsan nga umuwi iyon ng dumudugo ang likod niya, nakipag*bleep* yata at kinalmot ng kapartner niya. Wala lang. Hindi ko siya ginalaw. Eh hindi ko naman alam kung paano siya pagagalingin.

Si Nika naman, well, mas nauna ako sa kanya sa BLISS, dinala na lang siya doon mga isang buwan na ang nakalipas simula ng pagpasok ko doon. Takot na takot ako noon kay Nika dahil tahol siya ng tahol at nakakawala pa siya sa tali niya noon. Yung tahol pa niya yung tipong asong may rabies, yung tipong “GRRRRR!” yung tunog. Dumating yung time na mabait na siya sa akin at nakikipaglaro na siya kapag dadating ako sa bahay. Dumating din yung time na nakilala na niya sila Monique at Jeff at hindi na sila tinatahulan kapag may mga puntong pumupunta sila sa bahay ng wala ako.

Oo nga pala. Ang maganda pa doon sa lugar na iyon, pinakamasarap na gawin doon ang umiyak ng mag-isa dahil wala namang makakarinig sa akin kahit humagulgol ako o magwala. At okay lang ding magwala dahil wala naman akong masisira doon.

Kasama sa BLISS experience ko ang pagtulo ng kisame, minsan nga, sinabayan ko pa ang pagtulo ng pag-iyak ko dahil hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko noon para makatulog ako nang hindi nababasa ang sarili kong kama. Hindi kagandahan ang experience na ito pero pag naiisip ko, natutuwa ako, kasi naexperience kong mamuhay na parang yung mga klasik na mahihirap sa mga pelikula at telenobela.

Napapabuntong hininga na lang ako ng madalas sa pagrereminisce ng mga eksena sa BLISS. Nakakainis lang isipin na marami pa akong gustong gawin doon pero mukhang wala nang point na gawin pa iyon. Gusto kong makipaglaro sa mga friends ko dun sa playground para naman magbalik-kabataan ako. O kaya naman mahawakan ko man lang si Mighty, yung isang aso na never lumabas ng bahay niya dahil nanglalapa, o kaya naman makapag-inuman ulit doon sa bahay na iyon. (Monique, nandoon pa yung tira nating GSM Blue. Hehehe.)

Well. SA AKIN PA RIN ang lugar na iyon sa BLISS. That’s a fact.  So technically ay hindi ko siya iiwan, mas madalas lang akong hindi matutulog at maninirahan doon. Sana nga lang ay makabalik pa ako at makagawa pa ng magagandang mga alaala doon s alugar na iyon, coz BLISS IS SUCH A PLACE.

Plano kong magdiet at magpapayat pero kung kumain naman ako, dalawang plato ng kanin every meal.

Sabi ko, mag-eexercise na ako regularly pero heto, buong araw lang akong tulog.

At isa pa, nakatutok lang ako maghapon sa computer, facebook lang ng facebook.

Anyway, wala talaga akong balak na magsummer classes kaya naman dito lang ako sa bahay. Well, dapat may inaaccomplish pa akong script at docu na dapat sa april 14 ang deadline pero hindi ko pa sinisimulan. Tamad lang talaga ako. At ngayon yung feeling ko eh wala na talaga akong pakialam sa kung anong mangyari. Nakakatamad lang.

Cause lang siguro ito ng halos walang pahingang sophomore year ko. Nagcrave lang ako ng walang patid na tulog at internet. So hindi naman siguro masama kung bigyan ko ang sarili ko ng kaunting kapayapaan after those busy things. I just want to have fun, to give myself importance na sa ngayon, ako muna ang mahalaga.

Hay. Sarap ng pahinga.

February saw the coming of thegossipchick.multiply.com, the GOSSIP GIRL PHILIPPINES UP-CMC Chapter. Like, balahuraan kung balahuraan. We have this speculation that it is some kind of a project of the Communication Research students, and the people who comments in the site are the respondents of the study. It’s really immature to do things like that.

To add to that stress is my hairdo, which was planned to be a moptop Beatles style but turned out to look like Rihanna’s pre-physical abuse-incurred-by-Chris-Brown look. And I’m a boy. But it’s okay, I feel avant-garde-ish about the look. And they now call me RiRi.

Last thursday, Jumar, Monique, Jeff, Andre, Choba and I went to Cubao Expo for Jumar’s thesis things. We then went to Gateway to eat at World Chicken then to Shopwise for groceries for Jumar’s Sunday shoot. FUN. After that, we went to Sarah’s for a few bottles of beer and Margarita. I missed them so much since I was physically and virtually invicible for the past few weeks.

I love February!

Blogging was my only source of personal security when I needed it the most, and it is one thing I was definitely proud of since I was the only one in my high school batch who has this kind of thing. I was some kind of frustrated by the fact that my writing skills was not recognized then and  so I resorted to using wordpress as a medium for a sweet little revenge; if my school paper adviser hated my work, then I was sure there could be many people out there (even in the cyberspace) who would definitely love my way of writing, and I would prove her wrong.

And never did I expected that the blog I intended for a silent revenge became my virtual hideout of my emotions, and the then increasing number of its viewers proved that my works are getting noticed, bit by bit. I was enjoying the little popularity I had then, yet as I enter college, I found life more than blogging, I found my life much more exciting than the excitement my website hits were giving me. The excitement of my college life almost overshadowed my desire in blogging, and it seemed that blogging was becoming lesser of a use for me since I had friends whom I can relate to my problems. Friends can respond and recommend solutions to my problems, unlike blogging.

Yet I decided to return. I believe blogging will be a key for me to realign my life, yet I am not sure how it will work. I just know that the time I blogged was the time when I know what I was doing in my life.  There are lots of thing that happened this past year that definitely didn’t make me better as a person, even some of them destroyed me in a way or two. There are lots of things to mend, and grave decisions about certain things about myself made me think of living up a new life, for me to at least try to bury the past that haunted me for a long time. There are lots of things that needs burying, and I must persevere to cleanse them out of my system.

Reconstructing myself is a big decision I’ve made recently, patterning my life to the days were I believe I was emotionally and mentally stable. It is a difficult thing to do, it was like I have to start my life on scratch, yet I am ready to face the difficulties. I want to realign my priorities.

Moving on is a difficult task considering that forgetting elements of the past to live a new life seems an impossible task to do. I know that these individuals are a big part of the magnitude of what I had become, either in a positive or in a negative way, and for that I am forever grateful. And there is no point of forgetting these people, I will never succeed in doing so anyway. But I have to try to forget them, maybe not in the most literal sense.

My last blog before this one was made when I was seventeen, and I returned to blogging with me being legally adult. I think it just makes sense, returning to something when you believe you’re ready for it. And yeah, I know it’s a little weird for me to elevate blogging as an activity of maturity and responsibility. But that’s how it goes for me.

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