I’ve been keeping myself busy this past few weeks. I’m having my CWTS course and had to build houses for less fortunate brothers. My org is equally giving me much job and it is as demanding as my required course since we are a member organization of this year’s Freshmen Orientation Program Committee. Well, I can’t (and would not) decline because as the organization’s EVP, it’s also my task and responsibility to keep everything under control.

Yes, I would just admit that summer isn’t all fun. Sometimes, I’m feeling more of exhausted and tired of every little thing I must handle. Summer for me is no rest time. I often dreamed of just relaxing and sleeping all day and watching movies without anything bothering me. Without any problems to think of solving.

And yes, a summer without anyone troubling my mind.

I’m really sorry for being mushy and all, but I must tell that I’m easily attracted to persons who gives unusual amount of attention to me. May it be in the good sense or in the bad sense. Kung mabait o hindi, it doesn’t matter. I tend to interpret these things on the craziest ideas. Pag sobra kang mabait, akala ko iba na to. I assume things, and that’s the worst part in falling for someone; you assume that there could be a chance of both of you being romantically involved with each other, well in fact, ikaw lang pala ang nakakaramdam nito at para sa kanya, natural lang yon at walang halong kahit na ano…And the problem with me is that I’m really slow when decoding body language. I’m somehow misinterpreting things too much that I’m making myself believe na may ibig sabihin ang mga nakikita at naririnig ko.

This is completely weird.
Mysterious gazes upon my eyes, lingering touches, awkward glances and ‘mga panakaw na tingin’, songs which make me melt upon hearing them, very sungit moments on one moment then very sweet encounters on the other.
I know this may be a typical day for me, but no.
Is it just me who’s painting colours to these encounters or is it really REAL?
I’m confused. And if you happen to be this weird person (or you know this person), send me a message. I want a confirmation.
And if this is true, I would like to let you know that you’re driving me crazy.

It’s been the very little reason why I’m emotional for the past few days. Some of my friends witness my strange attitudes and actions for the past days: I keep silent on moments of laughter and talks of common interest; I walk out from online conversations and wouldn’t answer friend’s questions regarding how I really feel; I send group messages as if I’m someone who’s Kulang sa Pansin; I engage to quarrels without any valid reason. I even excused myself one time of overexposing my eyes underwater in the pool to explain the strange redness of my eyes well in fact, I was just silently crying while everyone’s enjoying their noisy water games inside the pool.

I am really not comfortable of talking about my problems in life with friends because I tend to become more of the tagapayo than the tagahingi ng payo. Or maybe because I’m just anxious of what people would say if relate things to them. I’m just afraid of showing them everything. So pwedeng sabihin na ang nakikita ninyo ay hindi buong ako. And when we talk about love, I make sure I don’t tell everything. Najojologs-an ako madalas sa sarili ko when I talk about love. Basta, nakakadiri, nakakairita. At ayaw ko talagang ikwento lahat ng detalye tungkol dito dahil sa totoo lang, napakadelikado at hindi ako sigurado.

But I know at this point, I’m starting to move on. I need to live in the real world. Hindi ko kailangang subukang basahin ang isang librong hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang nais niya talagang ipahiwatig, o kung meron man talaga siyang nais iparating. I’m getting tired of reading this person. I just hope that someday this person makes everything clear to me and I should do the same. I guess I’m just afraid of rejections. I just want to make sure. This time.

I had a lot of work to do. More work. More opportunities to find myself.