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Yeah. Barely legal. Yet I’m still like this. I hate it.

There
are a lot of times I think of myself as someone who’s already mature
enough to face the world out there. But I still have this fear in me
that I’m really unprepared to be officially legal. Like I want to be
seventeen forever. It’s weird, really really weird that I’m actually
not anticipating the day when I turn an adult. It makes me
so…so…ANGRY of myself. I really don’t know, but just thinking of
that day, thinking of that very day makes me feel sick, like I want to
hit something very hard or keep myself inside a room forever or
something.

But of course, I definitely couldn’t stop time. Every
passing minute is drawing me nearer and nearer to that damned day. Well
I just want to do something significant before that day. I want a
life-changing moment before I leave minorhood (if such term exists).
Just for me to have something to say when I grow old, just for me to be
able to say “I did this when I am seventeen”.

I just want to sleep, because reality is more of a nightmare to me.

Sorry about the title. I just cant get over Dreamgirls’ Stepping To The Bad Side. Yeah it’s Dreamgirls, I know, but a musical (involving girls dancing and singing) doesnt stop me from appreciating the song. Hahaha.

Well to update about my life, I’m taking everything easier this time since my org’s application process is over, thank God. I now have time for myself and i have time to contemplate on important things like my acads and stuff. Well I’m not saying that my responsibilities as the recruitment head is a burden for me, actually it was more of a chance for me to prove my worth and capabilities. And I love it very much. But of course i cannot deny the fact that I had to lose some time for myself to give way to this important matter. And since it is already finished, I am more thankful.

I have to make up on things I’ve missed. Let us start this!

First, let me show you my wonderful schedule.

Time Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
08:30 AM – 11:00 AM Film 106 TRU Film 103 WRU Film 102 HRU
11:00 AM – 11:30 AM Film 106 TRU Film 103 WRU Film 102 HRU PE 2 CHL FEG
11:30 AM – 01:00 PM PE 2 CHL FEG
01:00 PM – 02:30 PM Pan Pil 17 THW1 Film 112 FWX Pan Pil 17 THW1
02:30 PM – 04:00 PM Film 112 FWX
04:00 PM – 07:00 PM Comm 100 WYZ


I think I deserve my schedule because I’ve been to one hell of a journey to get it. The enrollment really sucks, and far worse, I only got one GE subject so I’m now forced to take four film subjects this semester. and mind you, they are all 3-hours-once-a-week classes. Argggh.

And see, my wednesdays are FULL. I really dont have any idea on how I could manage to study harder with three major subjects crammed in just a day. and I have barely an hour for my break.

Tuesday, June 10

It’s the freshie welcome assembly! We had much much fun. I saw the enthusiasm in the face of those film freshies! Parang ako lang din noon. And I know there’s a lot of things alloted for them. As for my classes, I just had Sir Tilman and he dismissed a little too early.

Wednesday, June 11

I only had Film 103 and again, with Sir Tilman. I noticed he wore the same shirt as yesterday. Hahaha. And yeah, my first Comm 100 will be on July 2. So, one month free!

Thursday, June 12

Yey! Independence day! Okay, Sir Palomares is okay, I think. Hope I learn a lot from him, though. 🙂 And I again met Ma’am Salanga for PanPil 17 along with my other classmates in MPs 10! Yey. And the UP Cineastes’ Studio had our very first General Assembly this sem. It’s supposed to be held on the thirteenth, but because of superstitious beliefs, yeah. Hahaha.

Friday, June 13

Friday the Thirteenth! I think friday the thirteenth’s bad luch thing doesn’t work for me because i just had 1 class for the day and soon, i’ll be having 4 days in a week off because I only have like 3 remaining meetings with my PE! Hahahaha.

Ummm yeah I have to admit that this day gave me a little nega-feeling. I didn’t feel that well and became a little irritable. But I was to able to go home safe and sound, so i think that’s lucky. 🙂

Gusto ko pa ng unlimited internet at magpahanggang umagang panonood ng mga downloaded movies.

Pagkain ng masasarap na luto ni Mommy at unlimited rice na parang hindi kami mauubusan talaga.

Gusto ko pang mahiga sa King-sized bed sa kwarto ni Yeng at tumapat ng magdamag sa madumi at maalikabok na electric fan na ang tatak ay Standard.

Gusto ko pang manood ng Pinoy Idol at malaman kung sino ang susunod na matatanggal.

Babay Bevs. Babay Elliot. Mamimiss ko kayo

Gusto ko pang magmotor at lumibot-libot sa paligid-ligid ng lalawigang akala ko’y paraiso na dahil mas maganda pala ang lugar na ito kaysa sa mga dumi at init ng maynila.

At yung okay lang na hindi ka maligo dahil nasa loob ka lang naman ng bahay.

Yaaaaaaak. Bitin ang bakasyon. Lalo na’t isang linggo lang ang bakasyon ko.

I’ve been keeping myself busy this past few weeks. I’m having my CWTS course and had to build houses for less fortunate brothers. My org is equally giving me much job and it is as demanding as my required course since we are a member organization of this year’s Freshmen Orientation Program Committee. Well, I can’t (and would not) decline because as the organization’s EVP, it’s also my task and responsibility to keep everything under control.

Yes, I would just admit that summer isn’t all fun. Sometimes, I’m feeling more of exhausted and tired of every little thing I must handle. Summer for me is no rest time. I often dreamed of just relaxing and sleeping all day and watching movies without anything bothering me. Without any problems to think of solving.

And yes, a summer without anyone troubling my mind.

I’m really sorry for being mushy and all, but I must tell that I’m easily attracted to persons who gives unusual amount of attention to me. May it be in the good sense or in the bad sense. Kung mabait o hindi, it doesn’t matter. I tend to interpret these things on the craziest ideas. Pag sobra kang mabait, akala ko iba na to. I assume things, and that’s the worst part in falling for someone; you assume that there could be a chance of both of you being romantically involved with each other, well in fact, ikaw lang pala ang nakakaramdam nito at para sa kanya, natural lang yon at walang halong kahit na ano…And the problem with me is that I’m really slow when decoding body language. I’m somehow misinterpreting things too much that I’m making myself believe na may ibig sabihin ang mga nakikita at naririnig ko.

This is completely weird.
Mysterious gazes upon my eyes, lingering touches, awkward glances and ‘mga panakaw na tingin’, songs which make me melt upon hearing them, very sungit moments on one moment then very sweet encounters on the other.
I know this may be a typical day for me, but no.
Is it just me who’s painting colours to these encounters or is it really REAL?
I’m confused. And if you happen to be this weird person (or you know this person), send me a message. I want a confirmation.
And if this is true, I would like to let you know that you’re driving me crazy.

It’s been the very little reason why I’m emotional for the past few days. Some of my friends witness my strange attitudes and actions for the past days: I keep silent on moments of laughter and talks of common interest; I walk out from online conversations and wouldn’t answer friend’s questions regarding how I really feel; I send group messages as if I’m someone who’s Kulang sa Pansin; I engage to quarrels without any valid reason. I even excused myself one time of overexposing my eyes underwater in the pool to explain the strange redness of my eyes well in fact, I was just silently crying while everyone’s enjoying their noisy water games inside the pool.

I am really not comfortable of talking about my problems in life with friends because I tend to become more of the tagapayo than the tagahingi ng payo. Or maybe because I’m just anxious of what people would say if relate things to them. I’m just afraid of showing them everything. So pwedeng sabihin na ang nakikita ninyo ay hindi buong ako. And when we talk about love, I make sure I don’t tell everything. Najojologs-an ako madalas sa sarili ko when I talk about love. Basta, nakakadiri, nakakairita. At ayaw ko talagang ikwento lahat ng detalye tungkol dito dahil sa totoo lang, napakadelikado at hindi ako sigurado.

But I know at this point, I’m starting to move on. I need to live in the real world. Hindi ko kailangang subukang basahin ang isang librong hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang nais niya talagang ipahiwatig, o kung meron man talaga siyang nais iparating. I’m getting tired of reading this person. I just hope that someday this person makes everything clear to me and I should do the same. I guess I’m just afraid of rejections. I just want to make sure. This time.

I had a lot of work to do. More work. More opportunities to find myself.

blog_compressed.jpgI read Ms. Munik Baldemor’s blog (felt so virginal, isn’t it? haha) and was somehow inspired to do a year-ender post. Haha. A few hours ago, I was reminiscing some old television shows and was amused with the list I was making! Yeah, it was so fun that I started bragging my jologs brain to my orgmates Richmond, Mayee and Jen who were ill-fated to experience my purely jologs hour. Really fun! But because I’m becoming a little off-topic, better yet start this 2007 year-ender. Tagalog/Taglish mode on!

January

January was just sad for realizing that I only have roughly three months to spend quality time with high school friends. Nakakaasar talaga ang pakiramdam. The unveiling ofsome of the entrance exam results for different colleges was done on this month so it was at the same time very pressuring and panicky. Ateneo results lang ang lumabas at instant celebrity ako sa school bilang dalawa lang kami sa school ang pumasa. Yehey! Sad din naman talaga ang buwan na ito because my heart was too damaged. Ang maganda naman dun ay nakapag-form ako ng good relations sa taong yun at actually, naituloy ko naman ang courting process (pero palagay ko hindi nya talaga pansin) until some months after. Haha.

February

Maraming nangyari sa February. UP revealed that I’m a genuine UPCAT passer (Diliman Campus!) and that’s another thing to brag about. Yeah, it is a big deal for everyone because everyone knows that I am a certified bottom rank in class. Daig ko pa ang mga nasa top 10 dahil hindi lahat sila ay pumasa sa UP at hindi lahat sila ay sa Diliman ang campus. Haha. Ang buwan na ito ang kapanganakan ng aking butihing blog because I was too tired with Blogger and it is causing me much pressure. Para kasing kailangan kong masyadong ipersonalize ang blog. But wordpress saved me. May isang blogger kasi na taga-UP rin ang nakapag-inspire sa akin to do this blog dahil nakakatuwa na maraming nakakaappreciate sa gawa niya at nakakaaliw din ang mga stories niya. And it somehow revitalized my will to blog! Sino siya? Nasa Blogroll ko. 🙂 Na-virus ang computer ko ng Gwen Choba Scandal virus at kumalat siya sa buo kong computer at nang ipinareformat ang computer ay nawala nang lahat ang HappySlip videos na na-download ko sa YouTube. The nerve (anoh toh?). Ngunit dahil naman sa mahinahon ako ay kinaya ko namang lahat. JS Prom din namin at dahil nga seniors kami ay may karapatan na kaming mang-insulto ng party na in-organize ng mga Juniors. I know it is mean. Haha. Haggard ang Feb dahil dito ko tinapos ang napakapangit na thesis ko na hindi ko na matandaan ang title. Napangitan ako ng sobra kaya hindi na ako umasa na manalo ng Best Thesis.

March

Yes, nearly parting ways. Tengga mode na ang pakiramdam ng mga tao sa classroom namin at ang iniisip na lang ay how we should spend the rest of the days together. We had a party at Homer Lindain’s house, where it served as the graduation party (because the school administration didn’t organize something for us) and at the same time victory party for Homer, who was hailed school Valedictorian. The first time I saw unlimited flowing of beer. Yeah. Happy. Sad. Alternate yan.

April

Graduation. There was nothing special dahil hindi solemn ang ceremony and there was nodsc003561.jpg graduation party at our house. Haha. Bitter? Too bad. Dito ko na rin huling nakita si Friendship Maria Isabel Saturno Della, my ever loyal bestfriend (Na hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nagpapakita sa akin). So I decided to send myself to Manila to adjust to the Manila environment and atmosphere. It was first very difficult because I wasn’t used to the heat and the smell, like, you know, these things are almost not in a lalawigan vocabulary (wahaha). But I somehow managed to adapt myself do the new world I would be living in for the next four years.

May

Medyo suicidal na ang level dito dahil sa sobrang kabagutan at kasabikan na makapasok na sa UP. Nag-enroll na ako at na-meet ko na ang mga blockmates ko. The only names I can recall that time were Max, Justine, Bea, Phy, Cedrick, Mayee, Rain and Jen. Yun lang, at nangangamba akong baka next time ay wala na akong matandaang pangalan. Si Monica, late ko na nakilala dahil naman sa nagkatabi kami sa upuan so most likely siya lang ang natatandaan ko ng matagal. Yun. Para matanggal yung kabagutan ay paulit-ulit kongdsc010411.jpg pinapatugtog sa computer ang UP Naming Mahal. Sa month na rin ito nag-iisip na ako kung anong film org ang sasalihan ko. I just realized that I need an org in order to gain friends because somehow they are an essential factor for my survival in UP. The two orgs I was thinking of joining were actually CAST (which, actually had the more hatak factor for me that time because my blockmates actually want to join this and basta, some personal factors haha) and Cineaste (Because I love their 2007A reel. Yun lang talaga actually). The gay person who actually toured us to the Ishmael Bernal Gallery and the Cine Adarna would eventually become one of my closest friends at UP (and obviously, because I treat him as my Mother), Jumar Yap. Cineaste people also started to bombard me with comments on this blog to convince me to join them, the first of them is my current pal Richmond Garcia. So yeah, maybe it worked somehow.

June

It was extra special because it was the first month at UP! A lot of this happened and there are a lot of firsts! I was becoming a little homesick, pero okay lang naman. Masaya talaga ang entirety ng June dahil dito ko na talaga nakilala ang ilang orgmates ko ngayon at pati na rin si Sir Michael Charleston Chua na hanggang ngayon ay kakulitan ko pa. Go Sir! Na-experience ko na rin ang Buhay Kalay at palagay ko na-enjoy ko naman ito ng husto. Masaya ang buhay dorm akala nyo. 🙂 Pero kung iisipin ko yung mga pagpunta ko sa Ate ko every week parang pansin ko na sobrang haggard pala dahil nilalakad ko mula Pantranco pauwi sa kanila. Nakakapagod pala.

End of Part 1

AkoSiHyro

AkoSiHyro is a blog by Jessehyro Tito P. Aguinaldo, a college senior at the University of the Philippines-Diliman taking BA Film and Audio-Visual Communication, who dreams of just earning enough money regardless of the job.

He is the current Executive Vice President of the UP Cineastes' Studio, the premier student film organization of the Philippines.

He is also a proud member of the Student Alliance for the Advancement of Democratic Rights in UP - College of Mass Communication (STAND UP - CMC).

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